Neston
I was running late and it was cold in church when I arrived. It was a while before someone was asked to close the door.
This was one of those days I found it hard to focus. It wasn’t made easier being in an unfamiliar church.
I felt in need of some familiarity while I wobbled over a school reunion the night before, and the news of a friend’s divorce.
My friend is not Catholic, or particularly religious. But it preoccupied me and I felt far away from God. Which I supposed was a reason to pray more. The weekend as a whole had put me back into an old and unwelcome frame of mind.
Divorce is one of my red flags. As much as I try to accept it my reaction tends to be severe, which surprises people.
There’s my own baggage, that’s true. It brings to the surface a fear of being abandoned, and being alone. It leads me to question those who would bring that about.
Then I thought of how I might react if it were me facing divorce. I’d be fearful. It would test every part of me. Including my faith.
I wondered if my friend had similar thoughts or, did they consider plans to separate in a more modern way. As a liberation?
It’s easy to imagine being “free” when you’re sitting next to the person you want your freedom from. It’s something else entirely when that person is permanently removed, no longer there. And has their character completely changed by the experience.
So I prayed for their reconciliation. But worry it will go the other way and soon turn sour, long before their mutually agreed plan to stay together until their youngest child turns 18.
Thinking of this I began to miss my church back home. But then the young priest began his sermon, taking everyone out of whatever problem they might have been dwelling on, and into the gospel for the day.
He spoke without notes. Without any hint of ums or ahs. With nothing but conviction.
So well it almost became a distraction as I tried to imagine how he did it.
I left feeling closer to God, but still with a need for silence, and a chance to be alone, and to think. Thomas Merton craved time in hospital so he could spend it alone with God.
I’m not sure about the illness, but I’d like to find that silence soon.